7 Steps to Becoming Your Best Self After Separation

When people come to us at Brite Legal, they are rarely experiencing separation in a vacuum of legal issues only. Separation is traumatic, and we often see clients working through the stages of grief in different ways and at different times. 

Our observations over many years are backed up by the social science. According to psychiatrists Holmes and Rahe’s Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), a questionnaire to identify major life stressors, divorce is ranked among the top two of stressful life events, second only to the death of a spouse or partner. Other research undertaken indicates divorce is the most stressful life event other than the death of a child.

 It’s okay to feel confused or overwhelmed.  

It’s okay that you may not have the grand plan figured out yet.  

Change starts with small steps. Here are our 8 bite sized strategies you can implement one by one to help you on this new journey toward becoming your best self after separation.

1. Give yourself time 

It is important to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to feel. When we separate, we experience the stages of grief. Often, first comes denial: we don’t believe it’s over. Then comes guilt: we should have done things differently. Then comes bargaining: things would be different with a second go at it. Anger follows and then depression. 

It’s important to go through the grieving process. Eventually acceptance comes and we can move on – we shift the focus from the past to the future. 

2. Articulate what future you want for yourself

Close your eyes and imagine life in 2 years’ time. Where are you living? Where are you working? What are your passions and dreams? Envision the future you want for yourself and for your children.  

Take some time to write down your goals for the future. You now have a unique opportunity to design the life you want – the possibilities on this new journey are endless.  

Now break those goals into short-term and long-term goals. Once you have identified a goal, can you break down the steps that you need to take to achieve it? What can we do each day, week, or month toward these goals?  

Lastly, set aside time to reflect and review your goals and remind yourself of the big picture.

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 3. New and Shiny

When you’ve been one half of a couple, losing that role can make it difficult to work out who you are.  

Take the time to do something new and embrace change. This may at first only be small changes, but as you allow your fear to guide you to seek out new experiences, you will grow and discover your true potential. 

4. Build a Circle of Care 

As you start to articulate your goals, rediscover yourself and your potential, it is important to surround yourself with a network who support these goals and dreams.  

It may also be worthwhile during this time to consider joining a divorce support group where you can connect with others who understand what you are going through.  

5. Self-talk matters

When a relationship has ended, we are often tempted to dwell on how we might have done things differently or what we did wrong. Doing this may seem productive at first glance, we feel we can change things by replaying or altering how we might have behaved.  

But if you catch yourself going into the past, it is important to release your regrets and focus on the positive elements in your current situation. Focus on who is therefore you and what you have learned.  

It is important to ask yourself “is my current mindset putting me on the path to the person I want to be”. 

 6. Practice self-care – in just 10 mins a day 

Self-care comes in many forms. Social self-care, physical self-care or mental self-care. It can often feel like the last thing you have time to focus on each day, but it remains a really important one.  

Identify: 

1. What am I really feeling? 

2. Why am I feeling this way? 

3. What small step can I take right now to change this feeling? 

Maybe you just need to pause and take a few breaths. That is self-care. Maybe you need to say no and establish boundaries. That is self-care. 

If you can find the time, give yourself 10 minutes a day to check in and identify what you need. Meditation and journaling first thing in the morning, or right before bed for 10 minutes can promote enormous insight into yourself, and what you need right then and there. 

 7. Learn to let go 

This is one of the hardest steps to do, but packs the most benefit for you in the long term. Practice forgiveness. We cannot control the actions of your ex and the reality is that you may never receive from them the apology or acknowledgment that you feel you need.  

You will get to the point when you have to make conscious decision to let go. The best way to get there is by forgiving yourself, your ex and letting go of the past. You can’t change what has happened but you can choose to heal and move forward.  

 If you are seeking support and guidance navigating your family law matter, please feel free to reach out to us by calling (08) 8721 2200 or emailing us at [email protected] to book your free strategy call.