7 Strategies to Support Your Children Through a Divorce
As a parent, you want to shield and protect your children from everything bad in the world. You’ve worked hard throughout their young lives to make sure that nothing will hurt them. You have created the belief that their family unit is their safe space.
As the family dynamic changes during a divorce it is understandable for you to have questions and concerns about the impact on your children. They will have loads of questions too. You’ll want to make sure you’ve thought about and prepared some of the answers.
We’ve outlined some practical advice which will help you guide your children through this difficult time.
1. Maintain a Regular Routine Where Possible
At some point, the living arrangements will change. One parent will move out and you’ll need to decide how your children’s time will be divided between their two new households.
What children are craving during this time is their regular routine. Let them know that you’re figuring out how that will work with as little change as possible. Offer to sit down with your spouse to create a schedule which takes into account how things are done now.
For example, if one parent was always responsible for swimming lessons on a Saturday morning, can that same parent still take them for the hour, even though Saturday isn’t their ‘day’.
If one parent is the Maths homework guru, can you figure out a schedule that means they can still be involved with homework?
However, some things will need to change, and will continue to do so over time. Any way that you can maintain some sort of normalcy in the early stages will make all the difference.
2. Choose What to Discuss Very Carefully
That all important first talk with the kids is going to be hard. They’ll want to know what’s happening and why.
If your circumstances allow, have both parents together for this discussion. This will reinforce to the kids that you are both still going to be in their lives and that you both still love them very much.
If you’re not currently able to be in the same room as your co-parent, make sure that this idea is still conveyed to them clearly and without apportioning blame.
Above and beyond the main message, be very careful about the level of detail that you share.
The kids do not need to know how the financial side of divorce works and what arguments will be part of that.
They don’t need to know about child maintenance payments or that they might be the subject of a court order themselves.
These are adult issues. Some minor details may need to be provided in due course but this should be shared sensitively and with consideration.
Finding a great lawyer who will explain clearly how divorce works from the outset will limit your need to ask questions and reduce the need to speculate in front of the children.
3. Have the ‘Blame’ Talk
No one knows why but there seems to be one feeling that is universal amongst all children that are going through a divorce.
They blame themselves!
Whether they articulate it in those words or not, it is likely that they have felt responsible in some way.
Maybe if they’d not had a tantrum that day or had not asked for you to buy them so many things, it would be different.
They might not feel able to bring this up with you. Being proactive in your discussions is a great way to nip this in the bud. Let your kids know that these things happen to many families and there is absolutely no reason that they should think this is their fault.
4. Don’t Ask Them to Help You
Divorce is hard. Finances will be tighter and you will be hurting.
God knows kids will do anything to please their parents. If they’re aware of your pain, they will try all sorts of tactics to make you feel better and will be worrying about you.
No matter how old they are, your children will have a lot going on right now. They are struggling to process so many emotions along with growing up and figuring out who they are.
Don’t let them add becoming your therapist to that list.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or to let some anger out, that’s what friends and family are for.
Let your kids be kids and keep negative emotions away from their consciousness as much as you can.
5. Don’t Ask Them to Choose Between You
You’ll see there’s a theme emerging in these strategies.
Research shows that children who feel their parents genuinely listen to them experience less anxiety.
Let them have their own voice.
They will want to spend time with their other parent and will want to tell you about all the fun things they’ve done during their time together. Make sure they feel comfortable expressing this and ask them about the visit. Try to appear genuinely interested.
Whether you’ve outwardly expressed it or not, some kids will just automatically assume they should not bring up the other person as it will be upsetting or make you angry.
Teach your kids that they don’t have to mirror your emotions. It is OK to have different views and you should be prepared to have mature discussions with them.
6. Make Use of Children’s Books on Divorce
Most people only go through divorce once in their lives. How could you be expected to have all the answers? This is all new to you and that’s OK.
There are hundreds of books aimed at people like you looking for advice on supporting children through a divorce. The authors will have been in your shoes or will be experts on the topic.
Some texts will reference Psychology and Behavioural Management, others will just be real life accounts which may help you feel less alone.
Be sure to also check out audiobooks, magazines and podcasts. There will be a resource out there that suits you.
Learning about what your children are going through is half the battle.
7. Don’t Count Out Seeking Professional Help
You really would be surprised about how common therapy is nowadays.
There are many problems that you wouldn’t try to solve yourself. You’re comfortable calling a plumber or an electrician when you need expert help.
Speaking to a counsellor when you’re going through a tough time is no different.
There are children’s therapists who explicitly specialise in divorce proceedings. They will have met hundreds of families in your situation and will be bottomless pits of knowledge and experience.
Teaching your children that it’s OK to discuss their feelings and that they can ask for help is important at any time, not just for those going through a divorce.
You might even be able to get funding for some counselling initially, so that you’re not left out of pocket.
Overall, there is absolutely no need for children to be negatively impacted by this experience.
Mostly, all your kids will want is for you to listen to them and allow them to continue to behave like kids.
You might even find that there are some benefits. Divorce will teach your kids coping strategies that will only make them stronger, more flexible and more resilient. This will stand them in good stead into adulthood.
Instructing a lawyer to discuss your specific circumstances and any concerns you may have about the children is really the best way to make sure that everything necessary is covered.
If you would like further support and guidance during your separation journey, don’t hesitate to book a free strategy call with our experienced family lawyers today. You may also call us at (08) 8721 2200, or send us email at [email protected].
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